Motivation from not wanting ppl around me to worry for me, so I shall move on and let go cleanly asap.

It's hard to let go of your first love, but I can do it, watch me, with God's help!

So lost, so painful.
Nobody understands.
What can I do?

Last night was really a hard night for me, first time since the break up. I was already letting go until I had the realisation, then everything just flowed back. Just like that. It seems like I'm just beginning to let go. It feels like we just broke up. I still can't get my head around all of these, so much has changed. With no feelings left for me, I can't ask for anything, everything's just memories, bitter sweet.

Had a dream last night, could remember every single detail. Somehow some of us came to my house in singapore to have some lesson. I looked around and realised that A was missing. So I asked, "Where's A?", someone replied, "She cut herself and was bleeding so J took her to the hospital." And then I said, "A's bleeding and NOBODY TOLD ME???" then that random person just shrugged her shoulders, as if telling me why should people tell me if A's bleeding, she's nobody to me now. And then after that I just rushed out of my house, headed for my car and drove off, wanting to find her asap. Woke up after that, with that bitter feeling still lingering in me. I can't protect/take care of her anymore, can I?

Loneliness' creeping in...actually, it's taking over blatantly and I can't do anything about it.

心痛比快樂更真實　愛為何這樣的諷刺
我忘了這是第幾次　一見你就無法堅持
孤獨比擁抱更真實　愛讓人失去了理智
會不會是我太自私　拒絕更寂寞的日子
放不開　也看不見未來
難道這種不完美　才是愛情真實的樣子

张惠妹 - 分生

作词：姚若龙 / 作曲：郑楠

一个我像不会累一直往前
一个我动弹不得伤心欲绝
我不确定 几个我 住在心里面
偶尔像敌人 偶尔像姐妹

一个我在网路上朋友一堆
一个我在房间里独自面对
灰色的音乐 塞满黑夜 High的像麻醉
好让翻搅的胃 安静一点 忘了全世界

分裂前的热泪 分裂后的冷眼
越爱谁 越防备 像只脆弱的刺猬
分裂中的心碎 分裂后的假面
不快乐 不伤悲 情绪埋藏成了地雷 等待爆裂

一个我相信用心会被感觉
一个我大喊真心会被欺骗
开始的热烈 不停奉献 后来剩决裂
谎言吞噬了心 带来刺痛 撕裂的蜕变

分裂前的热泪 分裂后的冷眼
越爱谁 越防备 像只脆弱的刺猬
分裂中的心碎 分裂后的假面
不快乐 不伤悲 情绪埋藏成了地雷 等待爆裂


分裂前的热泪 分裂后的冷眼
越爱谁 越防备 像只脆弱的刺猬
分裂中的心碎 分裂后的假面
不快乐 不伤悲 情绪埋藏成了地雷 等待爆裂

I am feeling quite down. Yes, I'm letting go, but it's really hard to not grieve over it. It feels like nobody can really understand, sigh. Saw zh and bunch today, remembered that A told me that she's having lunch with a group as well, so I pretended that I didn't see them. However, the queue at the pavilion was too long so I decided to leave, but zh and dk caught me. Dk wanted me to join them for lunch, I saw A's bag on one of the chairs there (shes probably buying food downstairs), didn't feel like joining them and facing her, it'll just make me even sadder, so I told dk that it's ok i'm going home, i wonder if he could tell that I wasn't alright at all. I walked down and saw A and J queueing up for salad, I hurried past them, didn't really want them to see me. Sigh. On my way down, I think I sorta teared a bit at the thought of her still being surrounded by so many friends in the same course and I don't really have anyone around me now, nobody understands anw. Can one really let go of a rls that quickly? Zero feelings now? sigh, letting go is harder than i thought it was. Has she ever loved me before? Or am I only the man who loves her?

I've tried, but failed. But the point is, I tried, so I have no regrets.

Sigh

Looking back, I really had been too pushy and demanding, was I the one who pushed her away. She was asking me over and over again if we had made the right decision, I said yes over and over again without hesitance, little did I realise that it was me who was too idealistic.

Warning: Eat at your own risk...

So it's really happening, the dao stage. Didn't even say bye to each other, walking our separate ways. I guess this is how things are going to be from now on. Jo asked me if I have gotten over her or not, but I couldn't give her a straight yes or no, it's more complicated than that I guess. I just don't know what to think of her now and I don't feel like finding out either. I just feel that she doesn't bother to put in effort for this friendship (if I can even call it one) so yeah, it's best if we just proceed on with the dao stage. This seems like a deja vu, but I can't salvage the situation now, I've done all I can.

Why did I feel so tired today? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

What are friends?

180 degrees' change in attitude

不要你什么 

只要你记得   

谁曾是你最依偎的那个   

那个人是我也许走远了  

 为了看你多一次微笑我什么都舍得